Magna cum Laude

I have been remiss..........One of my most exciting and proud moments has occurred and I have not bragged blogged about it.  My youngest son, Morgan has achieved a Masters in Fine Arts degree. He's been going to school for 25 years and is finally through.  Now the real work begins.  He is a gifted painter and would love to be a gallery artist, but will need to land a job, preferably teaching art, to get him through the starving artist period.  His work is pretty amazing but definitely not for everybody.

He began his graduate school shortly after his brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  He chose to attend a local art school so he  could spend as much time with Alex as he was able to. Many bittersweet memories made during that time. Taking a small break from his studies after Alex died, Morgan dove back into school with renewed motivation. I can't imagine how hard it was for him to continue on, but he did. One of his thesis paintings was on the cover of a couple of publications and he sold one piece at the exhibit.
...and did I mention he graduated magna cum laude.

Much love and congratulations Son!  You've earned everything you've gotten through your hard work, determination and incredible talent.

                                                                      morganbuck.net

This memory...

I walked out into my garage earlier today and this wonderful memory flooded my brain......

The boys were about 4/5 or 5/6.  Apparently, Rod had been out of town and since I was the only adult in the house, I had locked the door between the garage and the house.  You know, for safety.  The next day, the boys were ensconced in front of the tv and I scurried about the house doing chores.  At some point, running garbage or recycling out to the garage, the door shut behind me.  Well, I was now locked out of the house with my two little guys inside alone.  I opened the big garage door, went to the front door and rang the bell. No response.  I pounded on the door, no response.  Back in the garage, I pounded on the wall shared by the garage and the family room (where the boys were).  Again, no response.  I was starting to get a wee bit concerned.  Keep in mind, this was before the days of the ubiquitous cell phone.  Hmmm, what was I going to do.  It occurred to me the reason the boys weren't paying attention was because they were completely mesmerized by the television.  Well, what is on the wall of my garage but the breaker box.  Opening it up, I read the labels. Sure enough, one marked Family Room.  Off it went.  As if on cue, I hear, "What happened?" "Oh, no" "MOM!!!!!"  Pitter patter of little feet looking for me, the garage door opens.  I flipped the switch back to on, unlock the door and go about my day......

Necessity is the "Mother" of invention.

Life is Slippery...

Today is Alex's 31st birthday.  

He's missed his last two birthdays with us. Last year as a family, Rod, Morgan and I isolated ourselves, spread ashes and toasted with Jack Daniels. One year has come and gone. I would have liked to have celebrated in some way, but last night I was up for 22 hours with my 85 year old dad, in the emergency room. They finally admitted him at 3 am and I went home to bed. He has a very severe case of pneumonia and will be in the hospital for a couple of days.He is already so much better and should have a complete recovery. After a couple of hours of sleep, I got up to get ready to back to the hospital. My thoughts were on Alex, and it being his birthday.  Such mixed emotions.
Blessed to have been able to call such an awesome guy my son, Blessed that my dad will be spending more time on this planet with us. Blessed that I have such understanding co-workers who allow me to put my family first, and pick up the slack for me. Even blessed that my crazy cat came into the shower with me and stayed till I was done.
Missing Alex, remembering 31 years ago, the excitement over his pending birth and how our lives would change when we became parents. I will never forget how he felt the first time I held him, literally grabbing him from the doctor, hearing his crying as he took his first breath. I will also never forget how he felt as I held him just after he took his last breath.  Both memories will be cherished forever, one so joyful it's beyond comprehension, the other such heartache it is beyond comprehension.
One of my favorite sayings is "Life is slippery. Here, hold my hand."  Relationships are what make our lives joyful, loving, happy and full. Invariably, sadness is a part of those relationships.

Memory Lane

I have spent the evening reviewing a couple thousand photos I have on my hard drive. I started with the idea of sorting all of Alex's photos but ended up reminiscing about all the trips, weekends, experiences I've had in the last few years. I am always torn between returning to my favorite places or going somewhere new.  I usually choose somewhere new, but I have a few places I return time and time again.
I don't have a bucket list.  I've never felt the need to compete with death.  As I've seen all too recently, in the end it doesn't matter. Enjoying each day, without regrets, keeps me happy. I don't feel deprived and if somehow I leave this "life" tomorrow...
On the internet, today I happened upon a blog written by a young family whose 5 yr old will be leaving this earth in the next few hours or days.  He hasn't been to Greece either. He has a mom, dad and sister who love him very much and that is what is comforting to him now. My heart breaks for them.  I spent my first mother's day without my mom and without one son.  I was mostly just grateful both of them were in my life for as long as they were. Life is slippery, grab a hand to help you get through.

When you run out of the usual tax deductions

     Being a homeowner, spouse, mother, etc., etc. has provided me with so many wonderful things, not the least of which is tax deductions.  However, as life moves forward, the marriage ends, the mortgage gets more paid off, the children move on, these tax deductions all but disappear.  I find myself in a place where I am finally making a comfortable living, but end up giving a lot to the government because I am lacking any real tax deductions.  Searching the tax laws and my "life" I have come across a very easy, yet beneficial tax deductions.  I accurately and consistently log everything I give to charity, including every pair of socks, belt, sweater or black and white tv.  By doing this on a monthly basis I end up at tax time with real deductions along with the documentation to prove it.  When Google started it's Google Documents with cloud storage I was playing around and discovered how easy it would be for me to create some simple tools to help me track my donations.

     First off, the tracking sheet.  I created a simple form with spaces for the month, day and year and a table to record the type of item and the quantity.  These I print out and use when I am bagging up the out of date, not my size, things I don't where anymore and those household items I need to get rid of.  The item type is pre-printed and to right is a cell to use hash marks for each sweater, pant or picture frame I add to the donation bag.  When I make my donation, I staple this form to the receipt I get from the charity.

The second document is a spreadsheet.  This is where the fun begins.  My first colum is the item type, then the quantity followed by the actual resale cost of the item in a second hand store.  Based on the formula I have behind the cells, the quantiy is multiplied by the single unit price and the fourth column is the total monetary value of that row.  Sweaters, quantity 3, unit price $8.00 equals $24.00 deduction.  I also have a formula at the bottom of the fourth column, totally all of the subtotals.  This total is transferred to the last worksheet where I have monthly totals for all of my donations and the actual total for the year.  This is my deduction for material goods I have donated to charity.

     I save all of the documents in the cloud in case I am audited and the receipts and tracking form are with my other paper documentation for that tax year.  Depending on what's going on and how much time I have to purge my belongings, I can get some pretty substantial deductions.
Every penny counts.

Pretty new decks!

Winter Storms

Pacific Northwest weather.  So unpredictable, sometimes the meteorologist even laugh after they give their broadcast.  This time they were right on, almost to the minute the snowstorm started.  I left work at 1215, took an hour and 45 minutes to get home (usually 30-30 depending on traffic) and snuggled in for a four day snowstorm that kept Morgan and me confined to the house until Tuesday morning.  It's funny how being forced too stay home frees you up for doing those little chores that you usually don't have time for.  Cleaning closets, pantries, etc.  I decided to clean Alex's basement bedroom and turn it into my sewing room.  This is the bedroom that he used as a teenager, just before he moved out.  When he got sick and moved back, he went back to his old room from childhood, upstairs.  I know he needed that sense of safety and security your childhood bedroom brings.  I still love going back to mine, even though it looks very little like it did when I lived at my folks house, oh 30 some years ago...
I knew I needed to move my quilting supplies to one of the 3 spare bedrooms I have here, but really wanted Morgan's.  I tried to get him to move into Alex's old bedroom upstairs, but he's just not ready to disassemble that room, so I began the project in the basement bedroom.  I think I will really like it when it's finished, but right now I am still trying to find homes for all the odds and ends that got thrown in there over the years.  Not sure why, but I do have sentimental attachments to "things".  My mission in 2014 is to get rid of stuff I don't need.  I know it will be difficult since I've got to get rid of all of Alex's possessions he acquired over the 6 years he lived on his own, plus my dad is trying to give me a lot of my mom's things.  I would also like to get rid of the 20lbs I've acquired since October.
Here's a photo of about half of the fabric I folded and sorted to move to my new sewing room.

Looking forward to creating a space that is organized and uncluttered.  The whole house, not just the public spaces.

Time does not stand still

Well, I will be returning to work this coming Monday.  Most likely a modified schedule, but we'll see.  I have certainly made the most of my 4 month bereavement leave, but had very little time to just hang out.  The work involved in saying good bye to loved ones and taking care of all the red tape, followed by holidays and then both my son and mom had birthdays in January (as did I) did not leave much time for personal issues.  Being back on a schedule hopefully will get me more organized and I can get back into the rhythm of life.  Have been having some really wonderful times with my dad and my sister.  I've re-connected with so many long time friends. Life goes on and it's my intention to continue to enjoy it, despite the storms that come and go.

Christmas 2013

Well, our first Christmas with out Mom and Alex.  As a family, we chose to play down the holiday this year. No one was in the mood. No tree, no hoopla. However, I did get a burst of enthusiasm and holiday spirit on Christmas eve as I began baking some Christmas goodies.  I had dinner at my house, which is not the typical. In the past, the boys and I would get up, usually their dad came over, and open gifts.  This year, I got up, Morgan eventually got up, we opened our little gifts to each other.  I've always taken a photo of the boys and I on Christmas morning. One tradition I didn't let slide.
My family started arriving around one and we opened presents, skyped with our out of town family and ate a fantastic (although very late) beef dinner with green goddess wedge salad, green beans, cranberries and fluffy mashed potatoes. Pumpkin pie, eggnog cake, red velvet cupcakes for dessert. Yum.  Watched It's a Wonderful Life and all went home to bed.
Here's to a wonderful 2014 for all.

Life Lessons

Having two of my favorite people become terminally ill around the same time is more difficult than you could possibly imagine.  Even, when all is said and done--both have passed, I can't imagine it.  It is that horrific. But, that is life and the only thing you can do is try to let it change you for the better.  Months and months of treatment, doctor's appointments, new treatments, traveling to far away places for experimental treatment, all while attempting to work full time has taught me a lot about patience.  Basically we all lived the serenity prayer for a couple of years.  Our lives slowed down.  Superficiality flew out the window.  Dealing with life and death makes mundane conversations almost antagonistic. My closest friends would inadvertently say or do things that would create more anxiety for me or more pain.  They didn't know, how could they.  They aren't me.  This is where patience comes in.  Again, I can choose to react with anger, resentment or pain, or I can be patient and know that this too will pass. Because I was home so much with Alex, I took up quilting. It's difficult to just sit and be at the ready for somebody without having something you can quickly put down and then pick up later when you're available.  Quilting became my activity.  I've sewn since I was very young and picking it up again gave me renewed interest in how wonderful it is to have a creative outlet.  I also was able to dream about what to make by surfing the net as I waited for my next "duty" or "request".  I was able to spend a lot of quality time with Alex (less with my mom, but still got that in) and continue to do something I enjoyed.  So, life goes on and one of the psuedo stepsons got married in July, just about the time I was bringing Alex home from a 2 month stay in the hospital.  I missed the wedding but have been working on their wedding quilt since before the wedding.  Finally finished it this morning.
Terminal illness, losing a son and my mom within two weeks of each other forced me to develop patience.  Quilting continues to reinforce it. :)

Thanksgiving 2013

Tomorrow will be the first Thanksgiving in my life without my mom. It will also be the first in 29yrs without my oldest son Alex.  Mom's funeral is Saturday and my nephew is  coming to town for that, arriving at 6:30pm.  We'll be having our dinner when they get to my dad's house.  My sister and I will be doing all the cooking at my dad's to make it easier on everybody.  During the day, we'll have smoked turkey sandwiches (thanks to Bill) while we get the dinner bird ready for a late meal. So much has happened in our lives this past year and though most of it was heartbreaking, stressful and exhausting, the fact that we've been so blessed to this point is not lost on our family. Unfortunately, loss is part of life. Never the less, we are very thankful to be able to be together this holiday.

Memories of loved ones are like songs in our soul.

Margaret Wakeley

Another loss...

Alex's tribute was attended by 200 people.  All there to support his family. We all felt very blessed that Alex was so well loved.  The only thing wrong with the night was that Alex wasn't able to be there to hear all the lovely words spoken about him.
As life will do, my family was dealt another punch.  My mom passed away the day before the tribute.  She had promised me unless she was on her deathbed she'd be there.  Well, you see how that worked out.
Both she and Alex are together wherever they are and I that is a comfort.  Best mom in the world, 58 years running....

                                                    

.

Martha Gumm

                               1931-2013                            

Sorting through photos..

Selecting photos for the tribute to Alex.  So many wonderful times we all had together.  This was last Christmas. 2012. Alex was still getting radiation and chemotherapy.  What a guy.  Still able to smile.

Happy Holidays!

 I found this post as a draft when I started blogging again.  Thought I'd post it anyway, it's from 2011

It's been a very strange year for the Buck family. Grandparents~the pillars, are starting to show their age. The economy has begun to personally affect many of us. My company is laying off 400 full time employees, but will wait until February to give us the names. Just a little something to think about over the holidays.

But having said that, I realize how fortunate my family and I really are. Many of my friends lost their parents years ago-I still can enjoy mine. Many of my friends lost satisfying, comfortable jobs years ago-as of now, I still have mine. I can still sit on my couch and blog. I am warm and well fed. Many are not.

Counting my blessings at Christmas and wishing everyone a better 2012!

Alex Buck 1984-2013

This past year has been wonderful and terrible at the same time. About 15 mos ago, we learned that Alex was terminally ill with a rare and aggressive form of cancer. Despite his fighting with everything he had, Wednesday marked the end of his fight.  It was unexpected, quick and painless. Very grateful for that.  The wonder of the last year was getting to spend almost every day with my grown son, getting to know him as an adult and seeing what he was really made of.  Courage, strength, humor, compassion, wit and as I already knew, genius.  When I first heard the news last summer my grief was untenable, but over the last year, learning to make every minute with him count was priceless.  It was quite a roller coaster ride and he handled it with grace and gratefulness (mostly).  I am so proud of him, my son and will miss him terribly. 

New Addition

Well, despite what's going on in my life, the world continues to turn.  Folks getting married and families having babies.  Our newest addition is Logan Fox Green.  Born to Matthew and Marisa Green and brother to Noah Wolf Green.
Logan's a tad bit small, but mother and baby are doing fine.  Noah is tickled pink.

How Time Flies!

Last night, while sitting in a movie theater, I started coughing. I had felt fine all day One day later, I'm coughing, sniffling and in general not feeling that great. Drinking Emergence C and taking echinnacea. I hope by morning I feel better. I am thankful that I rarely get sick. It's so rare in fact, that when it happens, I pretty much am immobilized. Easter is this weekend and my sister is hosting the family. I WILL be feeling great by then.

Another Success

Thursday night the Alexander Gallery at Clackamas Community College held an artist's reception for Morgan's latest works. The exhibit is titled "Childhood Telemania" and is a statement about children and television. There was quite a turnout. Of course, the free food made sure the college kids came around to look. Earlier in the day, Morgan addressed one of the painting classes at the college and gave them a guided tour of the exhibit.
No matter how old they get, I'm still a proud mom.

Winning!!

See that little gipper in the sailor cap? He just published his first book! I couldn't be more proud, I sure hope he is.
Get it while they're hot, cuz they are flying off the shelf! The book can be purchased at Reading Frenzy, Amazon or Buyolympia.

The book is Heart Beats by Alex Buck

Summer!

Well, here it is July 29th. Another summer day of rain, temp in the high 60's and no real summer in sight. My vacation was plagued by torrential rain came down three days in a row. Where on the upper west coast can you always count on sweaty, dry, blazing sun? Redding California! Except when I choose the area for a vacation I've needed for 8 mos.
We ended up at Mt.Shasta City. Now there's a cute little town. Weather was perfect and we even got some hiking in.
I try to have fun no matter where I go. we had one small casualty during this vacation....we threw our tent in the garbage. When do you get too old to camp in the rain?

Optimism

I don't always address the Postitive Thought aspects of my blog, but today seems like a good time to reinforce the power of positive thinking. The world is very chaotic right now. Bad things are happening to good people. How do we get through the day?
The Optimist's Creed is a 100 year old mantra, written by one of the first New Age thinkers. Believing the best in everybody and himself, he wrote these words as a way to help people remember the good, despite the bad.



Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
~Christan D. Larson

The world is on our side.