Life

Synchronicity or "Whatever"

A funny thing happened to me last summer.  It was towards the end of summer when the dread of fall was beginning to hit.  I've never liked fall.  I always become melancholy as the hot, dry days of August start to get a wee bit cooler in September.  But now, since 2013, my melancholy is full on sadness.  Fall marks the time of year my oldest son died.   On this particular day in 2015, I was missing him very much.  Dreading the "anniversary" of his death, but basically, just wanting to talk to him and see him.  I got into my car to go somewhere and the radio came on as I started up the engine. The first words I heard out of the radio were "Everybody's gonna miss somebody, at least once a day."  It immediately drew me in and I listened to the whole song.  I completely related as it was about all of us living our lives and encountering various bumps in the road.  Losing the people you love, having bad things happen, etc.  But, the overarching message was to appreciate everyday, because you don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I enjoyed the song and it made me feel a little better.  The tune was sort of reggae.  I went about my business and returned home.  

Same day, I was cleaning my bedroom and had the radio on, absent mindedly listening.  I heard the DJ say, "To win, text #### to ####"  so I did.  I had no idea what I was entering.  No idea what so ever.  Got to work the next day and I received a text from the radio station.  Reply to confirm your tickets.  Wow!!  I won.  Logged in, confirmed my identity and found out what I'd won.  Two tickets to Michael Franti and Spearhead.  Hmm, never heard of him, but it was at Edgefield, one of my favorite places to see concerts.  In fact, during the last concert I had seen there we found out there was something seriously wrong with my son. He'd called me to tell me while I was at the concert. I haven't really had the desire to go back there.  Well, it had been almost 2 years, I needed to do something for myself.

The day arrived and my incredible friend of 35 years accompanied me.  A beautiful summer night,and an outdoor venue.  Good food, good beer and good music. As it turned out, Michael Franti is the man who wrote the song I heard in the car that day when I so desperately missed my son. The song that comforted me and brought back some wonderful thoughts of my son and how much I love him. Franti had written the song after he found out his son has a life threatening kidney disease. A disease that will change his life and may even take his life. Franti came to the understanding that the only thing we can control is how we react to the world around us.  A lesson that hit home with me in the fall of 2013. 

                                                    ***Once a Day*** 

No no no no you never know what the world's gonna show you,

It ain't up to you.

You always think it's gonna happen to another person,

And it's never ever gonna happen to you. 

You got your friends, you got your money,

Got your family, got your honey,

You think you got a million days.

But then life comes along

And it knocks you right down to the ground and that's why I say,

Everybody oughta hug somebody, at least once a day.
And everybody oughta kiss somebody, at least once a day.
Everybody's gonna miss somebody, at least once a day. 
And everybody gotta love somebody, every day!
                                                                     ~Michael Franti

Thank you Alex for sending this message from where ever you may be....miss you...every day

Happy 2016 !

Gratitude

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.

It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.

We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)

This Guy!

One of the special joys of having a Picasa account is having all of your photos automatically move into the cloud.  The automagic part of that is, often times mystery photos appear. I do not know this man (not that I wouldn't want to for any reason) nor do I recall having seen this photo before. I found him in my account, looking for the photo of my dad and me.

He's not part of the Buck Family, but maybe he's heard about what an awesome family we have and is trying to finagle his way in.... Can't blame him for that.

Then there's this guy.  Perhaps the nicest, most generous, clever, handy and all round wonderful man I've ever met.  Considering he is my dad, that makes me one of the two luckiest daughters ever. This was us on his 84th birthday.  I treasure him beyond measure and try to spend as much time with him as I can while I am still able to. A little over a year has past since this photo was taken, and without my mom by his side, he's been stuck with his two daughters.  I hope he feels as lucky as we do.

♥

In the blink of an eye, your world can change.

 I have been something of a Ludite when it comes to possessing/using a smartphone.  I have finally succumbed. I have a hand me down but I still refuse to buy a data package.  It's not that I don't see the utility of it, I just see the obsession with it and I do not want to be "that person" who is constantly checking their phone, despite the fact that they have real humans all around them.

Well, last week, in the matter of one hour I got three important texts: "I am going to need radiation, they upped my staging..." "I'm taking Dad to the hospital, he has a really high fever...." "My brother's at 10 hrs in a 12 hour surgery..."   These were all immediate family members.  Number one just wanted to be alone and process the news, number two was being taken to the same hospital as number 3.  Wow. Ultimately, all is well with all three.  Another bullet dodged.

My life is no more or less stressful than anyone elses.  It's just life. My son and I were discussing the use of robots in battle.  Apparently something they are doing now, along with drones.  My response was "Fantastic' no more 18 year olds dying.  His take was different and most likely more accuratel.  "Mom, if people don't die in battle, there is no value to it.  It's the human element that makes it so effective"  Yes, son, it is the human element that makes everything of importance, important.

Life is very short; whether it's 1 yr, 30 yrs. or 85.   We only have a limited time to get our "work" done.  There's no room for hate, judging, sniping, killing, bigotry, etc.  Everyday is an opportunity to make a change, big or small.  Once you know better, you do better. The other day I was at the pool with my 4 yr old grand nephew throwing little weighted sharks in the pool for him to dive and bring back to me. After two attempts to toss (they just kept landing at my feet), he picked it up and handing it back to me said, try again....each time you try, you'll get a little better.

Magna cum Laude

I have been remiss..........One of my most exciting and proud moments has occurred and I have not bragged blogged about it.  My youngest son, Morgan has achieved a Masters in Fine Arts degree. He's been going to school for 25 years and is finally through.  Now the real work begins.  He is a gifted painter and would love to be a gallery artist, but will need to land a job, preferably teaching art, to get him through the starving artist period.  His work is pretty amazing but definitely not for everybody.

He began his graduate school shortly after his brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  He chose to attend a local art school so he  could spend as much time with Alex as he was able to. Many bittersweet memories made during that time. Taking a small break from his studies after Alex died, Morgan dove back into school with renewed motivation. I can't imagine how hard it was for him to continue on, but he did. One of his thesis paintings was on the cover of a couple of publications and he sold one piece at the exhibit.
...and did I mention he graduated magna cum laude.

Much love and congratulations Son!  You've earned everything you've gotten through your hard work, determination and incredible talent.

                                                                      morganbuck.net

This memory...

I walked out into my garage earlier today and this wonderful memory flooded my brain......

The boys were about 4/5 or 5/6.  Apparently, Rod had been out of town and since I was the only adult in the house, I had locked the door between the garage and the house.  You know, for safety.  The next day, the boys were ensconced in front of the tv and I scurried about the house doing chores.  At some point, running garbage or recycling out to the garage, the door shut behind me.  Well, I was now locked out of the house with my two little guys inside alone.  I opened the big garage door, went to the front door and rang the bell. No response.  I pounded on the door, no response.  Back in the garage, I pounded on the wall shared by the garage and the family room (where the boys were).  Again, no response.  I was starting to get a wee bit concerned.  Keep in mind, this was before the days of the ubiquitous cell phone.  Hmmm, what was I going to do.  It occurred to me the reason the boys weren't paying attention was because they were completely mesmerized by the television.  Well, what is on the wall of my garage but the breaker box.  Opening it up, I read the labels. Sure enough, one marked Family Room.  Off it went.  As if on cue, I hear, "What happened?" "Oh, no" "MOM!!!!!"  Pitter patter of little feet looking for me, the garage door opens.  I flipped the switch back to on, unlock the door and go about my day......

Necessity is the "Mother" of invention.

Life is Slippery...

Today is Alex's 31st birthday.  

He's missed his last two birthdays with us. Last year as a family, Rod, Morgan and I isolated ourselves, spread ashes and toasted with Jack Daniels. One year has come and gone. I would have liked to have celebrated in some way, but last night I was up for 22 hours with my 85 year old dad, in the emergency room. They finally admitted him at 3 am and I went home to bed. He has a very severe case of pneumonia and will be in the hospital for a couple of days.He is already so much better and should have a complete recovery. After a couple of hours of sleep, I got up to get ready to back to the hospital. My thoughts were on Alex, and it being his birthday.  Such mixed emotions.
Blessed to have been able to call such an awesome guy my son, Blessed that my dad will be spending more time on this planet with us. Blessed that I have such understanding co-workers who allow me to put my family first, and pick up the slack for me. Even blessed that my crazy cat came into the shower with me and stayed till I was done.
Missing Alex, remembering 31 years ago, the excitement over his pending birth and how our lives would change when we became parents. I will never forget how he felt the first time I held him, literally grabbing him from the doctor, hearing his crying as he took his first breath. I will also never forget how he felt as I held him just after he took his last breath.  Both memories will be cherished forever, one so joyful it's beyond comprehension, the other such heartache it is beyond comprehension.
One of my favorite sayings is "Life is slippery. Here, hold my hand."  Relationships are what make our lives joyful, loving, happy and full. Invariably, sadness is a part of those relationships.

Memory Lane

I have spent the evening reviewing a couple thousand photos I have on my hard drive. I started with the idea of sorting all of Alex's photos but ended up reminiscing about all the trips, weekends, experiences I've had in the last few years. I am always torn between returning to my favorite places or going somewhere new.  I usually choose somewhere new, but I have a few places I return time and time again.
I don't have a bucket list.  I've never felt the need to compete with death.  As I've seen all too recently, in the end it doesn't matter. Enjoying each day, without regrets, keeps me happy. I don't feel deprived and if somehow I leave this "life" tomorrow...
On the internet, today I happened upon a blog written by a young family whose 5 yr old will be leaving this earth in the next few hours or days.  He hasn't been to Greece either. He has a mom, dad and sister who love him very much and that is what is comforting to him now. My heart breaks for them.  I spent my first mother's day without my mom and without one son.  I was mostly just grateful both of them were in my life for as long as they were. Life is slippery, grab a hand to help you get through.

When you run out of the usual tax deductions

     Being a homeowner, spouse, mother, etc., etc. has provided me with so many wonderful things, not the least of which is tax deductions.  However, as life moves forward, the marriage ends, the mortgage gets more paid off, the children move on, these tax deductions all but disappear.  I find myself in a place where I am finally making a comfortable living, but end up giving a lot to the government because I am lacking any real tax deductions.  Searching the tax laws and my "life" I have come across a very easy, yet beneficial tax deductions.  I accurately and consistently log everything I give to charity, including every pair of socks, belt, sweater or black and white tv.  By doing this on a monthly basis I end up at tax time with real deductions along with the documentation to prove it.  When Google started it's Google Documents with cloud storage I was playing around and discovered how easy it would be for me to create some simple tools to help me track my donations.

     First off, the tracking sheet.  I created a simple form with spaces for the month, day and year and a table to record the type of item and the quantity.  These I print out and use when I am bagging up the out of date, not my size, things I don't where anymore and those household items I need to get rid of.  The item type is pre-printed and to right is a cell to use hash marks for each sweater, pant or picture frame I add to the donation bag.  When I make my donation, I staple this form to the receipt I get from the charity.

The second document is a spreadsheet.  This is where the fun begins.  My first colum is the item type, then the quantity followed by the actual resale cost of the item in a second hand store.  Based on the formula I have behind the cells, the quantiy is multiplied by the single unit price and the fourth column is the total monetary value of that row.  Sweaters, quantity 3, unit price $8.00 equals $24.00 deduction.  I also have a formula at the bottom of the fourth column, totally all of the subtotals.  This total is transferred to the last worksheet where I have monthly totals for all of my donations and the actual total for the year.  This is my deduction for material goods I have donated to charity.

     I save all of the documents in the cloud in case I am audited and the receipts and tracking form are with my other paper documentation for that tax year.  Depending on what's going on and how much time I have to purge my belongings, I can get some pretty substantial deductions.
Every penny counts.

Pretty new decks!

Winter Storms

Pacific Northwest weather.  So unpredictable, sometimes the meteorologist even laugh after they give their broadcast.  This time they were right on, almost to the minute the snowstorm started.  I left work at 1215, took an hour and 45 minutes to get home (usually 30-30 depending on traffic) and snuggled in for a four day snowstorm that kept Morgan and me confined to the house until Tuesday morning.  It's funny how being forced too stay home frees you up for doing those little chores that you usually don't have time for.  Cleaning closets, pantries, etc.  I decided to clean Alex's basement bedroom and turn it into my sewing room.  This is the bedroom that he used as a teenager, just before he moved out.  When he got sick and moved back, he went back to his old room from childhood, upstairs.  I know he needed that sense of safety and security your childhood bedroom brings.  I still love going back to mine, even though it looks very little like it did when I lived at my folks house, oh 30 some years ago...
I knew I needed to move my quilting supplies to one of the 3 spare bedrooms I have here, but really wanted Morgan's.  I tried to get him to move into Alex's old bedroom upstairs, but he's just not ready to disassemble that room, so I began the project in the basement bedroom.  I think I will really like it when it's finished, but right now I am still trying to find homes for all the odds and ends that got thrown in there over the years.  Not sure why, but I do have sentimental attachments to "things".  My mission in 2014 is to get rid of stuff I don't need.  I know it will be difficult since I've got to get rid of all of Alex's possessions he acquired over the 6 years he lived on his own, plus my dad is trying to give me a lot of my mom's things.  I would also like to get rid of the 20lbs I've acquired since October.
Here's a photo of about half of the fabric I folded and sorted to move to my new sewing room.

Looking forward to creating a space that is organized and uncluttered.  The whole house, not just the public spaces.

Time does not stand still

Well, I will be returning to work this coming Monday.  Most likely a modified schedule, but we'll see.  I have certainly made the most of my 4 month bereavement leave, but had very little time to just hang out.  The work involved in saying good bye to loved ones and taking care of all the red tape, followed by holidays and then both my son and mom had birthdays in January (as did I) did not leave much time for personal issues.  Being back on a schedule hopefully will get me more organized and I can get back into the rhythm of life.  Have been having some really wonderful times with my dad and my sister.  I've re-connected with so many long time friends. Life goes on and it's my intention to continue to enjoy it, despite the storms that come and go.

Christmas 2013

Well, our first Christmas with out Mom and Alex.  As a family, we chose to play down the holiday this year. No one was in the mood. No tree, no hoopla. However, I did get a burst of enthusiasm and holiday spirit on Christmas eve as I began baking some Christmas goodies.  I had dinner at my house, which is not the typical. In the past, the boys and I would get up, usually their dad came over, and open gifts.  This year, I got up, Morgan eventually got up, we opened our little gifts to each other.  I've always taken a photo of the boys and I on Christmas morning. One tradition I didn't let slide.
My family started arriving around one and we opened presents, skyped with our out of town family and ate a fantastic (although very late) beef dinner with green goddess wedge salad, green beans, cranberries and fluffy mashed potatoes. Pumpkin pie, eggnog cake, red velvet cupcakes for dessert. Yum.  Watched It's a Wonderful Life and all went home to bed.
Here's to a wonderful 2014 for all.

Life Lessons

Having two of my favorite people become terminally ill around the same time is more difficult than you could possibly imagine.  Even, when all is said and done--both have passed, I can't imagine it.  It is that horrific. But, that is life and the only thing you can do is try to let it change you for the better.  Months and months of treatment, doctor's appointments, new treatments, traveling to far away places for experimental treatment, all while attempting to work full time has taught me a lot about patience.  Basically we all lived the serenity prayer for a couple of years.  Our lives slowed down.  Superficiality flew out the window.  Dealing with life and death makes mundane conversations almost antagonistic. My closest friends would inadvertently say or do things that would create more anxiety for me or more pain.  They didn't know, how could they.  They aren't me.  This is where patience comes in.  Again, I can choose to react with anger, resentment or pain, or I can be patient and know that this too will pass. Because I was home so much with Alex, I took up quilting. It's difficult to just sit and be at the ready for somebody without having something you can quickly put down and then pick up later when you're available.  Quilting became my activity.  I've sewn since I was very young and picking it up again gave me renewed interest in how wonderful it is to have a creative outlet.  I also was able to dream about what to make by surfing the net as I waited for my next "duty" or "request".  I was able to spend a lot of quality time with Alex (less with my mom, but still got that in) and continue to do something I enjoyed.  So, life goes on and one of the psuedo stepsons got married in July, just about the time I was bringing Alex home from a 2 month stay in the hospital.  I missed the wedding but have been working on their wedding quilt since before the wedding.  Finally finished it this morning.
Terminal illness, losing a son and my mom within two weeks of each other forced me to develop patience.  Quilting continues to reinforce it. :)

Thanksgiving 2013

Tomorrow will be the first Thanksgiving in my life without my mom. It will also be the first in 29yrs without my oldest son Alex.  Mom's funeral is Saturday and my nephew is  coming to town for that, arriving at 6:30pm.  We'll be having our dinner when they get to my dad's house.  My sister and I will be doing all the cooking at my dad's to make it easier on everybody.  During the day, we'll have smoked turkey sandwiches (thanks to Bill) while we get the dinner bird ready for a late meal. So much has happened in our lives this past year and though most of it was heartbreaking, stressful and exhausting, the fact that we've been so blessed to this point is not lost on our family. Unfortunately, loss is part of life. Never the less, we are very thankful to be able to be together this holiday.

Memories of loved ones are like songs in our soul.

Margaret Wakeley

Another loss...

Alex's tribute was attended by 200 people.  All there to support his family. We all felt very blessed that Alex was so well loved.  The only thing wrong with the night was that Alex wasn't able to be there to hear all the lovely words spoken about him.
As life will do, my family was dealt another punch.  My mom passed away the day before the tribute.  She had promised me unless she was on her deathbed she'd be there.  Well, you see how that worked out.
Both she and Alex are together wherever they are and I that is a comfort.  Best mom in the world, 58 years running....

                                                    

.

Martha Gumm

                               1931-2013                            

Sorting through photos..

Selecting photos for the tribute to Alex.  So many wonderful times we all had together.  This was last Christmas. 2012. Alex was still getting radiation and chemotherapy.  What a guy.  Still able to smile.

Happy Holidays!

 I found this post as a draft when I started blogging again.  Thought I'd post it anyway, it's from 2011

It's been a very strange year for the Buck family. Grandparents~the pillars, are starting to show their age. The economy has begun to personally affect many of us. My company is laying off 400 full time employees, but will wait until February to give us the names. Just a little something to think about over the holidays.

But having said that, I realize how fortunate my family and I really are. Many of my friends lost their parents years ago-I still can enjoy mine. Many of my friends lost satisfying, comfortable jobs years ago-as of now, I still have mine. I can still sit on my couch and blog. I am warm and well fed. Many are not.

Counting my blessings at Christmas and wishing everyone a better 2012!

Alex Buck 1984-2013

This past year has been wonderful and terrible at the same time. About 15 mos ago, we learned that Alex was terminally ill with a rare and aggressive form of cancer. Despite his fighting with everything he had, Wednesday marked the end of his fight.  It was unexpected, quick and painless. Very grateful for that.  The wonder of the last year was getting to spend almost every day with my grown son, getting to know him as an adult and seeing what he was really made of.  Courage, strength, humor, compassion, wit and as I already knew, genius.  When I first heard the news last summer my grief was untenable, but over the last year, learning to make every minute with him count was priceless.  It was quite a roller coaster ride and he handled it with grace and gratefulness (mostly).  I am so proud of him, my son and will miss him terribly. 

New Addition

Well, despite what's going on in my life, the world continues to turn.  Folks getting married and families having babies.  Our newest addition is Logan Fox Green.  Born to Matthew and Marisa Green and brother to Noah Wolf Green.
Logan's a tad bit small, but mother and baby are doing fine.  Noah is tickled pink.